I am going to die first in a horror movie (also known as "The day I downloaded Nike Training Club on my iphone and proceeded to use it")

So there I was, lying under my heated blanket, watching season 6 of 24, thinking about the New Year and how glad I am not being tortured by Jack Bauer for information I don't have.  I was also flipping through InStyle, as this is the exact position I undertake any night that I don't have school and Dan is at his gaming group.  "Why don't you see if anyone is around," he asks.  This question is met with a finger pointing at the blanket and another finger pointing at my pajamas.  It is the ultimate relaxation night! 


Anyway, I was reading up on Gwyneth's perfect lifestyle and Rachel Bilson's perfect petite body and I got to thinking about my New Year's Resolution (capitalized, as it is important!).  Only two words:

Be Happier!

http://seekingthemuse.com/flowers/goodbye-dahlias/

Well, part of that "being happier" is feeling better, both physically and mentally.  I don't really want to set goals for myself right now because I am not a goal attainer.  I am a goal failer that turns into an "I'm a failure" which turns into "Ooh popcorn!" So no, not doing that.  Just aiming for "better" here.  Someone, maybe InStyle or Martha Stewart, told me to try the Nike Training Club app on my iPhone.  I thought, what the hell, why not? 

And here comes the whole reason why I will die in a horror movie/fire/angry bear situation.  I am living in what I like to consider my "ideal desk job body."  Lots of padding for sitting for long periods of time.  I am perfectly attuned to hunching over a keyboard.  I can do it with pizzazz!  Ask me to run away from a mountain lion and that mountain lion has found a tasty morsel with little effort spent!  When school is in session, I have about 5 spare minutes a day and those 5 minutes are usually spent eating something, not figuring out how to work out at home (I may be exaggerating on that 5 minutes thing). 

Normally, I find that workout videos are very fluffy and happy, like if they push us women with body issues to actually physically work out, we won't accept who we really are inside so just listen to the yoga music and sway back and forth like a palm tree in a gentle breeze. This is not that workout video.  I believe this Nike app was created by mean gym teachers.  Did I say gym teachers? I meant the KGB/Russian ballet teachers- as I am pretty sure they are one and the same.

The app has 4 main categories- Get Lean, Get Toned, Get Strong, and Get Focused.  I decided that I probably need to do those in order, as I am pretty sure if I got toned right now, nobody would notice due to a lack of leanness. Beginner, Intermediate or Advanced?  Beginner please! Then there are about 6 workouts to choose from.  Fighter Fit sounds intriguing, let's go with that, I say! And then, the craziness begins.  The whole thing is broken into 1-2 minute intervals.  1-2 minutes of actual exercises like lunges.  You can even set your workout to your own music.  I decided the Tron soundtrack had a good beat to it so off we go!

This is what I have learned so far from my amazing Nike Training Club app:

• The only thing missing from this app is some sort of dog whistle.  Georgia felt it was her duty to inspect what I was doing every single step of the way.  Doing crunches?  What a perfect place to scratch a dog's stomach from, don't you think? ::lick, lick, lick::  Walking lunges?  Let me try to get between your feet! Perfect.
• If you are doing walking lunges in my dining room and one side is clearly stronger than the other, you will run straight into the dog crate even when the crate is far far away from you.
• Little videos explaining the exercises are helpful. Getting super-athletic models to do these videos does not keep me from screaming "you want me to do WHAT?!" a lot.  Like for every video. 
• When you complete your crazy old school workout routine, Maria Sharapova shows up at the end and congratulates you.  And you get a BADGE! What am I, a boy scout?  A badge does not an incentive make.  I will take the cash equivalent of that badge, thankyouverymuch!

Will I use the Nike Training Club app again?  Absolutely!  I whine a lot but that was a good workout!  Soon, maybe I can outrun a marmot or something!  One can only dream.